My capstone class, COM 466 Practicum, recently all shared their last lectures. The theme of presentations was inspired by the late Randy Pausch’s last lecture and the subsequent novel “The Last Lecture.” I was absolutely enthralled by my peers’ stories. In typical fashion, I decided to end my own presentation in spoken word form. Poetry is the chief way I communicate what is in my heart. This poem was written in the midst of processing trauma and the way to move forward.
I often feel ridiculous for getting lost in my own heart.
High-functioning depression and me don’t even know where to start.
I guess that’s why I start with endings and disregard the other parts.
But I’ve learned endings actually mean new beginnings,
Me and blank pages have always been close,
It’s the whispers of freedom and promise
That draws me in the most.
I will always be the type of person
Who holds on way too tight,
Wishing 24 hours a day
Actually meant there was no night.
Because although the darkness blurs vision,
It makes your heart easier to see,
And I liked the not knowing that
Blinded me from reality.
I used to think discovery,
Would mean I’d have to change,
That I couldn’t be beautiful,
If my ugly parts stayed the same.
Then in a moment something happened,
I dared to choose acceptance,
I dared to look in the mirror,
And choose love, not repentance.
I learned some things in that instance,
That I won’t soon forget,
That the intensity of my heart,
Doesn’t make me a threat.
That if life is a page with margins,
Sometimes I’ll draw outside the lines,
And when I move between chapters,
Goodbyes don’t mean flawed design.
I wouldn’t turn to a new section,
Because I thought some would be erased,
But I learned moving forward,
Didn’t mean my love was a waste.
We cling too long to footnotes,
Forgetting life is found in spaces,
I know it takes some courage,
But I am choosing to fill in the blank pages.